Ten Shots, Ten Misses: Replies to "Top Ten Signs You’re a Fundamentalist Christian"

So, a couple of years back, the webmaster of a site called EvilBible.com posted a list of Top Ten Signs You're a Fundamentalist Christian. Just for grins, I thought I'd write a reply to it.

10 – You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

Actually, no I don't. I just happen to believe that the Triune God of Christianity is the one, absolutely simple, omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent, omnipresent creator and sustainer of all reality. My position would be that other gods – though I tend to believe they exist – aren't "God" in the full classical theist sense of the term.

9 – You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

No, I don't feel "dehumanized." I'm a theistic evolutionist, not a Young Earth Creationist.

8 – You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

Once again, no I don't. Shit, I'm a better monotheist that I would be otherwise because of polytheists whose beliefs I've encountered (I'd mention Ocean Keltoi here). Many of the polytheists I've observed have a practical, no-nonsense approach to the spiritual world that I really appreciate, even though I disagree with their theology.

Also, Trinitarians aren't polytheists. Nice try, though! [grins]

7 – Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don’t even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!

I don't (if at all possible) waste time being outraged by Muslims, Jews, Sikhs, Baha'is, or anyone. It's not my job to be "morals police" for anybody, whether theist or atheist. As for Islam, a Muslim can theist in her way, and I'll theist in mine. Also, for the record, I do find Joshua's killing of the Canaanites and the slaughter of the Egyptians' first-born morally problematic to put it mildly, but I don't just go "OMG TOTES EBIL!" and leave it at that. I want to know: "What led the authors of scripture to view God in the – often ferocious – ways they did?" That seems a more profitable direction to take than an immediate rush to moral judgment.

6 – You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

No, I don't laugh at Hindus (especially when there are some meditation techniques I picked up from Hinduism that I've incorporated into my spiritual practice) or Dodekatheists (I figure it takes all kinds to make a world). And while yes, I do believe some sci-fi-sounding things – the entire Nicene Creed to be exact,-- could it be that the world just is weird with the same kind of weirdness as the Christian faith?

And no, I'm not about to drag you to the baptismal pool. Unless of course, you want to be dragged. Then, that's a different story. [winks]

5 – You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

Um, no I'm not. I'm perfectly happy to accept that Earth has a few billion years under its belt. And, by the way, those folks in the early Iron Age (not Bronze Age) – the Yahwist, for example, was writing then – whom you're so anxious to mock, weren't trying to address scientific questions in the first place.

4 – You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs — though excluding those in all rival sects – will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."

Nonsense. I'm a Christian Universalist. What this means is that I don't believe hope for the damned ends in Hell, i. e. I expect God to save everyone eventually. With that said, on any picture of damnation, Hell is a horrific place, and not one where anybody should want to end up. When a Christian discusses Hell, I can pretty much guarantee they do not desire that people land there. That goes for nearly all of us, whether eternalist, annihilationist, or universalist. And also, nobody knows who in fact does go to Hell. That's not for humans to judge. Eternal destinies are strictly God's business.

3 – While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.

Oooh, look, it's the old and tired "science disproves God" cliché again! Science simply doesn't address the issue of God; it can't, because the only things the scientific method can take account of, due to methodological naturalism, are strictly natural.

I'm not really interested in "proving" Christianity, though I'm happy to discuss the basis for my beliefs with anyone who cares. NB: I won't use glossolalia as an argument.

As far as apologetics, the approach Ed Feser outlines in Trinity Sunday is the most solid I've seen.

2 – You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

How would you know what the percentages are? And why does a prayer have to come with the results we think it should, in order to be considered genuine communication with the Divine?

1 – You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history – but still call yourself a Christian.

I know my Bible reasonably well (have read it cover-to-cover). Learning about scripture, theology and church history is an ongoing process. One that I wish more people (whether atheist or theist) engaged in, because...it's a joyous endeavor, believe it or not!

Joy and humor are forgotten far too often in philosophical and theological discussions. I think we should take the world seriously, but ourselves? Not so much.

Aaaand closing with John Prine! Just because.